Time for the old polar switcheroo

3/27/2007

One fluffy little polar bear cub has managed to stir up a bear-sized fuss this month.
The first baby polar bear to survive at the Berlin Zoo in over 30 years was abandoned recently by his grumpy mother, a 20-year-old former East German circus bear who put him out to die on a rock in the zoo’s bear pit.
Zookeepers saved the bear by feeding him human milk and cod-liver oil. He has lived a pampered life since, but now German zoologists say he has become too dependent on humans, and should be given a lethal injection.
It hardly seems fair to purposely snuff out one little bear, when so many of his wild brothers and sisters are struggling to survive. If the experts are right, polar bears are treading on thin ice, losing their advantage over seals, and either starving to death or drowning in warm water.
Polar bears, like sharks, are virtually unique in the animal kingdom, because everything they see in their world is something to kill and eat. Factor in global warming, the encroachment of society, and the odd animal rights activist, and polar bears have it pretty rough these days.
There is even worry that polar bears are facing extinction, like the white rhino, blue whale and golden eagle.
I, however, have a solution to the polar bear dilemma.
All we need to do is round up a few dozen healthy, happy polar bears, preferably good breeding stock, and ship them down to Antarctica. Once there, they will find more than enough succulent treats to kill and eat, and they all come dressed for dinner in neat, little tuxedos too.
Polar bears would thrive at the South Pole, feasting on penguin after penguin like a 24-hour KFC buffet, minus the herbs and spices. The penguin population would probably sustain itself for the first little while, due to sheer numbers.
There are millions of the pudgy, little snacks waddling around down there on happy feet; and they would not be entirely at the polar bears’ mercy either, thanks to their distinct advantage in speed and agility in the water.
On land, the penguin is fat, lazy, and without enemies. Trying to escape the clutches of a 900-pound bear, might force the penguin to evolve. They will either learn to adapt, run faster, jump higher, or become the daily appetizer.
It wouldn’t hurt the penguin to get off his ice and regain the ability to fly. Think of the bears as doing him a favour.
The best part is the sustainability of my plan.
As the South Pole bear population expands, and penguin populations become threatened, all we need do is round up a few dozen healthy, happy penguins, preferably good breeding stock, and ship them up to the Arctic.
By the time penguins are on the endangered species list, there won’t be enough polar bears left up north to be even the slightest threat to the penguin population.
If it ever becomes a problem again, all we would have to do is switch them back to their original habitats. The system could go on that way forever. Problem solved.
We might as well make that cuddly little German orphan the first to go south. He is being raised by humans, and I haven’t met a human yet who doesn’t like a buffet.