Flowers, candy, and the plague

2/20/2007

In addition to his close association with love, lovers and most other couples, St. Valentine is also the patron saint of young people, happy marriages, fainting, epilepsy, plague, bee keepers and greeting card manufacturers.
He should also be the patron saint of apologies.
Another St. Valentine’s Day has come and gone; that one day out of the year where men lavish flowers, candy and other gifts of love and affection on those they love, all in a desperate attempt to make up for their shortcomings over the other 364 days of the year. If you don’t think St. Valentine’s Day has become a one way street, compare the sale of roses and chocolate on Feb. 14, to the amount of power tools and pork rinds flying off the shelves.
It’s not like I’m jaded. I’m just not young or married, suffering from fainting or plague, or spending my days keeping bees or manufacturing greeting cards.
It also wasn’t a very good year for my secret admirers.
Pamela is in the middle of a divorce, Britney hit the bottle and the skids, Anna Nicole passed away, Lindsay is in rehab, and Rosie is definitely out of the question.
Even Lisa Nowak, my favourite sexy astronaut, crash landed and drove 900 miles across the U.S. in a diaper to fight for the love of another man. It’s all so heartbreaking.
As if that weren’t enough, the Confederate also victimized men on their most vulnerable day of the year, and published a wedding planner in the Valentine’s Day paper.
In case you missed it, the supplement was crammed with 44 pages of hints and ideas, all designed to make your wedding a thing of perfection. Guys and gals have differing views of what perfection is; but, then again, a wedding has nothing much to do with what the guy wants anyway.
For openers, the booklet suggests buying a new bedroom suite, which is something every newlywed couple can enjoy, whether it is your first marriage, or your fifth.
The bride needs a dress, usually white, depending on her level of honesty, and an engagement ring to show how much he really loves her, equal to about a year’s wages.
There is a hall to rent and decorate. Hosting a wedding in your garage may sound good, but it ends up looking just like another Saturday night after a ball tournament.
Salon and spa services seem to be important. While the groom and his chums are out planning an escape, the girls enjoy being scrubbed, rubbed, permed and pampered.
A bride expects to look her best on her wedding day with so many friends, family and cameras around, and this little miracle can take time. That’s why professionals are called in. Pressure like that would kill an amateur.
There are also invitations, decorations, flowers, music, wine, a cake, a caterer, a preacher, a photographer, more wine, a rented tuxedo, a chocolate fountain, a limousine, a honeymoon, the little pillow a little fellow carries the ring on, a shotgun (in some cases), and Tylenol, to consider.
When you add it all up, the average wedding, unless you really go overboard, costs around $475,000.
Suddenly, a few flowers and apologies one day out of the year, or the plague, doesn’t seem so bad after all.