The hurrier I go, the behinder I get

3/20/2007

A lot of wisdom emanated from my Dad’s shop.
Amid the sawdust, tools, clamps and glue, a young man might even absorb some of it, and a few new swear words, if he hung out long enough. Pop would often say such things as “measure twice, cut once” and “haste makes waste” and “never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.”
No doubt he learned these pearls of wisdom from his own father, who had two ashtrays in the house that I will never forget. The one said “the hurrier I go, the behinder I get” and the the other warned, “behind every successful man, there is a woman telling him he is wrong.”
Dad and granddad were both right. The faster you try to go, the more mistakes you tend to make. I learned long ago not to rush a newspaper on deadline day, especially after a weekend of black beer, songs of cigarettes, whiskey and women, and toasts about the road rising to meet you.
St. Patrick’s Day can be a lot of fun. It is a man’s reward for enduring the torture of St. Valentine’s Day one month earlier, and enjoying a pint or two of Guinness is a must.
The black stuff is a rare treasure for beer drinkers.
When someone asked me what Guinness is like, I said it is a lot like getting slapped in the face by a girl you really like. Once the initial sting and bitterness wears off, you are left with a warm feeling, and an overall pleasant memory.
Get slapped too many times, and it’s your own fault.
This has nothing to do with newspaper deadlines, other than the fact I tried to “measure twice and cut once” this week while writing for the fine community newspaper you now hold in your hands. If I get off without any major errors, I will consider myself one of the lucky ones.
Rush the job of writing headlines, and you vastly increase your chances of printing duds such as these:
“Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers”
Jaywalking may be illegal, but it is nothing compared to crimes such as bank robbery or punching someone in the dark. Running them all down is taking things too far.
“Panda mating fails, veterinarian takes over”
As far as bears go, pandas are the cute and gentle ones, but that goes well beyond the usual veterinary job description. My hat is off to anyone who goes that extra mile.
“Miles of red tape holds up new bridge”
Any community project—say, a sports complex, for example—comes with its share of red tape. I guess we can take some comfort in the fact it is stronger than duct tape.
“Man struck by lightning faces battery charge”
The poor guy probably is the battery charge. After he gets his day in court, he could moonlight as a night light.
“Hospital sued by seven foot doctors”
With doctor shortages everywhere you look, no wonder you don’t see too many seven foot surgeons. Perhaps they were trying to get more than their salaries raised.
“New study of obesity looks for larger test group”
I guess the initial volunteers just weren’t fat enough.
“Miners refuse to work after death”
What no-good, lazy sods. Talk about bringing laying down on the job to a whole new level. I envy them today.