Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Just slip out the back, Jack


Ah, St. Valentine’s Day. Can’t you just feel the love. It is that one day out of 366 that love reigns supreme; a day reserved for flowers, candy, lipstick and lingerie; for telling your true love your true feelings; for looking deep into their eyes and wondering what on earth you were thinking when you agreed to get married in the first place. Could you really have been that happy, or that drunk?

Yes, true love is hard to find; and when you get it, you want to hold on tight and never let it go. People fall in love for all sorts of reasons. Finding a soul mate, that person who truly understands you, who has seen the real you and loves you anyway, seems reason enough. Finding a girl with a boat and motor, or a really hot sister, may not be a good reason, but could still work. You never know. In case it doesn’t, and you find yourself falling out of love as hard as you fell in, take heart.

There must be 50 ways to leave your lover. Paul Simon said you can slip out the back Jack, make a new plan Stan, hop on the bus Gus, or drop off the key Lee, to set yourself free. Just don’t do it on Valentine’s Day. That would be really mean. If you find you are yearning for the single life this week, instead of a single red rose, there are ways to soften the blow as you drop off the key and set yourself free. Just be prepared to protect your plums when the apple of your eye doesn’t see things quite the same way as you do. For starters, head on down to your library or bookstore, and pick up one of those Change Your Identity Overnight books. Freedom could be as simple as a new hairstyle or a clean shirt. You could go all the way and send your personal banking information to a rich prince in Nigeria who will assume your identity and spend your life savings. You could always tell your partner that you are going to spend every weekend from now on visiting your parents, or that her parents and their sweater-wearing dog will be moving in by the end of the week. That, of course, is a lie; but you are already very good at lying, and have been ever since you said the dog looked cute in his little sweater.

Open every conversation with “We have to talk...” and finish with a heavy sigh and something like “Relationships take work...” or “Sometimes change is a good thing...” Stop washing, and that includes the dishes, the dog, and the laundry. After a couple weeks the flies buzzing around the room should drown out her favourite television shows. Tell her you are making the world a better place by conserving water, and then wash your car or truck at least three times a week. Begin an aggressive new composting program by vomiting in the backyard every time you come home drunk, which should be more than three times a week, assuming you want to achieve the full effect. Every time you go out and see someone worse off than you, tell her how much you envy the guy. When you meet a former partner, tell her how good that person looks, and then drift off like you are fondly remembering the past.

Either way, it’s going to take work, and no one said it will be easy. Come to think of it, flowers and candy may not be such a bad idea after all. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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