The forgotten art of Scatology

7/24/2007

You can learn a lot about an animal by what it leaves behind. Sometimes, all you have to do is look down.
In biology, scatology is the study of feces. Scatological studies allow one to determine a wide range of biological information about a creature; including its diet, where it has been, and any maladies it might be suffering from.
Scatology is a useful and respected profession. The pretty, young scientist from the first Jurassic Park film was up past her elbows in Triceratops dung at one point, and she certainly knew her stuff. She also got to visit an amusement park and fly around in helicopters.
She lived a pretty good life, actually, until the dinosaurs busted loose and starting eating a lot of her friends; which you really can’t blame her, or scatology, for.
A scatologist knows how the world works at ground level, literally. Since animals and the environment can’t talk, their droppings most often do the talking for them.
I know a woman who graduated college as a fish and wildlife technician. She is a hardworking and intelligent person, and today is an Outreach Education Assistant.
She loves her job, and she also loves scat; and it has led her into the process of researching and developing her first book, entitled simply “Whose Poo is This?”
It is a field guide, a kind of junior scatologist’s companion, complete with pictures and descriptions of all sorts of animal droppings. It includes the best methods to determine what each dropping can tell you, and how to record the pertinent information—and they can tell you a lot.
Close inspection of animal droppings can tell you what they are eating, and if they are healthy or sick. Comparing the results to food found in the area can tell you if the animal is a local or a tourist. Finding a steaming pile of bear scat tells you, for example, to walk in another direction.
Suitable for any reader, it is intended as a children’s book about the various forest and field creatures one might encounter in the Canadian wilderness, and what their feces typically look like. At first glance, such a book might seem, crude, rude and disgusting. Quite the contrary.
“Whose Poo is This?” is the kind of book a serious field naturalist would not want to be caught without.
It would be a valuable resource to anyone in the field, and a welcome addition to any outdoor education centre.
Anyone who has spent time in Grade 3 or 4 knows that thoughts of feces, or anything at all that might be crude, rude or disgusting, crosses a child’s mind every nine or 10 seconds. Why not have them put that energy to good use.
Who knows, a book like that could inspire a whole new generation of scatologists, people who care about animals, the health of the environment, and how well things are working themselves out. No pun intended.
It likely won’t launch a movie and marketing dynasty like the Harry Potter or Dr. Seuss books, but “Whose Poo is This?” could start people thinking more about the world we live in, what we are doing to it and the creatures we share it with. At the very least, it would be a popular choice in the library whenever the Grade 3/4 class pays a visit.

I’m taking Scotch back

7/17/2007

“Eight bolls of malt to Friar John Cor, wherewith to make aqua vitae” — Exchequer Rolls, circa 1494
There is a commercial that has been all over television lately, about a home plagued by bankers. The hero of the day ends up setting a trap for the marauding thieves with expensive cigars and Scotch whisky.
Now, live trapping a banker, as opposed to outright extermination, is not the real crime here. The true tragedy of the commercial is that Scotch has become a drink associated with the rich. It shouldn’t be, so I’m taking it back.
Distilling in Scotland can be traced back 500 years to the good friar John Cor, who was no doubt popular among his fellow friars, and the common folk he visited, lived and drank with. Eight bolls of malt to make aqua vitae, Latin for “water of life”, was enough to produce 1,500 bottles.
I’ll wager John “Hard” Cor had a lot of friends, and not too many of them were bankers, lawyers, doctors and Fortune 500 company CEOs with bright, shiny BMWs, island vacations, private driveways and trophy wives with noses, lips, hips and breasts a doctor built for them.
No, Scotch really belongs to us common folk.
To be called Scotch whisky, the spirit must be distilled in Scotland from water and malted barley, fermented only by the addition of yeast, and must be distilled to an alcoholic strength of less than 95 per cent, so that it retains the flavour of the raw materials used in its production.
The distinct, earthy flavour of Scotch comes from adding peat to the fire as it is made. Peat itself is partially decayed vegetation that forms in wetlands, moors and bogs. It is composed mainly of peat moss, but can also include grasses, trees, fungi, insects and animal corpses.
In a nutshell, Scotch comes from the earth; and if the prophet Bob Marley taught me nothing else, it is that what comes from the earth is of the greatest worth.
The first known taxes on whisky production were imposed in 1644, and caused a rise in illicit whisky distilling throughout Scotland. By 1780, there were less than 10 legal distilleries and around 400 illegal ones; which shouldn’t come as any great surprise, because common folk like taxes about as much as they like bankers.
The spirit’s popularity spiked around 200 years ago, for two reasons. Firstly, the invention of a new kind of still meant whisky could be made smoother and less intense; and, in 1880, beetles destroyed wine and cognac production in France. Welcome to Scotland my thirsty friends.
Scotch must be aged in oak casks for at least three years, although most are aged for a minimum of eight. The older the whisky, the rarer it is, and the more you can expect to pay. A single malt Scotch will be more expensive than a blended whisky, but it will often be worth the price, if you can justify how much it is going to set you back.
If you are going through a bottle before lunch every day, Scotch can become an expensive habit. I prefer to enjoy it in small doses, slowly savouring the rich, distinct taste.
If it were pennies a glass, I would no doubt enjoy it that much more. Where’s John Cor when you need him.

Las Vegas, the adult playground

7/10/2007

There is a reason Vegas is known as Sin City.
Because it is.
Glittering in the middle of the desert like a new dime on sun-baked earth, Las Vegas lives up to its billing as the Entertainment Capital of the World. It was intended right from day one as an adult playground, and that is exactly what it has become. Someone sensible should hang a sign at the town limits saying, “No one under 18 allowed.”
Las Vegas was named "the Meadows" by Spaniards, who used the water in the area on their way north from Texas. Mormon missionaries quickly moved in, and Vegas officially became a town in 1905. You don’t see too many Mormons walking the strip these days. Must be the heat.
The city has a long history of reinventing itself, from oasis, to railroad town, to gambling mecca. Gambling was legalized in 1931, and east coast mobster Bugsy Siegel helped give birth to the mutation we know today, when he opened his famous Flamingo Hotel in 1946. Bugsy had a vision of what Vegas could become, until someone cut that vision short by shooting him in the face. A couple times.
Regardless, Las Vegas bravely soldiered on. The first of the megaresort casinos, The Mirage, opened in 1989, and Sin City has never looked back. Today it is one of the most dynamic cities in the world, and the capital of hedonism.
If you want it, you can get it in Vegas. If you have the money, and the stamina, you can get even more of it too. If you somehow wind up with something you don’t want, you can always see a doctor. Las Vegas is there to help.
Sin City also loves its booze. Alcoholic beverages are available at any hour of the day, in astonishing quantities, and in all kinds of places. The entire downtown strip is like a shimmering seven kilometre long barroom. Hunter S. Thompson wrote that Vegas loves a drunk, because, as the old saying goes, a drunk and his lunch are soon parted. Or, was that a fool and his money. After a weekend on the Las Vegas strip, things tend to get a little muddy.
Drunks there are not only tolerated, they are embraced. Sit for a while at a table or slot machine, and a beautiful woman with cleavage pushed up so high she has difficulty swallowing, will stroll along and offer you free drinks.
They don’t come around quite as often in the middle of the night, presumably because they expect you to already be drunk. Personally, I recommend a drink or two. There might be a few sober people roaming around at 4 a.m. in Vegas, but they’re the ones who really need some help.
If you do need help, there are always plenty of friendly, chatty young women walking the streets at night, willing to lend you a hand. I think they are probably Girl Scouts or something, because they all wear the same uniform, most often with high heels, short skirts and loads of red lipstick.
Yes, Las Vegas can be a fun place. Just don’t step out of line. There are cameras everywhere, security is beefy, and the police deal with problems quickly and harshly. And so they should. Sin City is the kind of place where you can eat, drink, sleep, party, vomit, win a million, lose it all, wed, bed and forget. You might as well be safe while you’re at it.

Canada is simply wonder full

7/3/2007

Canada is the greatest country in the world.
I feel fairly certain of this, because, eight or so generations ago, my forefathers landed here and shook hands with sasquatch. They had the entire world to choose from, and picked Canada out of the whole lot. There must have been a reason, and I would like to think it is because they did their homework and realized we are number one.
Whatever your reason for being here and staying here, it is hard to deny that Canada is a wonderful place, and a place full of wonders. This summer, the CBC hosted a poll to determine the Seven Wonders of Canada. The results were interesting, often surprising, and generally thought provoking. For what it’s worth, here are my top seven:
The Aurora Borealis—better known as the Northern Lights, this natural phenomenon is a rare treat, and a difficult one to keep to yourself. Available to anyone who keeps an eye on the night sky, the Lights are mesmerizing. It is said a child conceived under their glow will have good fortune. Anyone lucky enough to see, and even hear, them will find the experience hypnotic and unforgettable.
The Bay of Fundy—home to the highest tides in the world, this stretch of New Brunswick and Nova Scotia coastline is a pristine wilderness. An estimated 100 billion tonnes of seawater flow in and out with each tide, bringing with it a dizzying array of marine life. Canada is all about natural beauty, and the Bay of Fundy definitely has it.
Niagara Falls—Like the Bay of Fundy, the Falls are an unspoiled gem of majesty, beauty and power. Over one million bathtubs of water flow over the edge every minute, providing a year-round, day or night spectacle of rainbows and spray. Niagara Falls calls to people, from honeymooners to loonytooners. More than 15 daredevils have also gone over its edge, and five of them gave their lives for it.
The CN Tower—hardly a natural wonder at just over 550m high, the CN Tower is the world’s tallest freestanding structure. Simple, solid and enduring, it was completed in 1976 to help unify Canada. Today it is the icon of Toronto and, for many urbanites, Canada itself. Climb to the top on a clear day, and you can almost see the city’s edge. It is the first sight people see in Toronto, and the last as you leave.
The Igloo—this marvel of engineering is no mere hut, and an iconic image of the great white north. The name means “snow house”, and it has sheltered people throughout the ages when snow was the only material available. It is both functional and beautiful, and a well built igloo will keep you comfortable even in -40 degree weather.
The Canoe—like the igloo, the canoe is almost perfect in its design, and it is still a mainstay at any camp or cottage. There is no finer vehicle for exploring the natural beauty around us. Canada was explored, mapped and settled in the canoe, and we would hardly be a country without it.
Maple Syrup—nothing says Canada like the Maple leaf, and if there is one food we can truly call our own, it is maple syrup. To tap a tree, boil down the sap, and pour syrup over pancakes or ice cream is to make magic. Open a jar of pure maple syrup, and every day is Canada Day.