A bad nose breeds fat raccoons

August 22nd, 2007

It has been said, when a person loses one of their five senses, one or more of the other four will compensate for the loss by becoming heightened. This may hold true for a blind person who develops acute hearing or super sensitive fingertips, but when it comes to a sense of smell, the theory begins to stink like a deer camp bunkhouse after bean night.

Recently, I discovered that an old friend of mine has a rather weak sense of smell. You might think it a blessing, because a person like that can walk into any truck stop restroom without fear, burn all the microwave popcorn, or share a long car ride with a wet dog—but not exactly.

The poor guy does have some sense of smell, enough to know when to change his socks, or carry the trash out to the curb, but not enough to develop any superpowers. The best way to test someone’s sense of smell is the old fish in the door trick, which has been a lake lodge favourite for years.

Begin by choosing a victim, preferably one you don’t like, or the person who annoyed everyone all week by accidentally hooking people in the back of the head. Catch a small fish, a sunfish or perch is ideal, and secretly hide it in the pocket at the bottom of the driver’s door in their car. If your victim has a long way to go, or a well developed sniffer, they will usually find it before they arrive home. If not, they are in for a smelly surprise.

Results vary by the individual, but you can usually determine your friend’s sense of smell by the length of time it takes before they phone you up and rhyme off every obscenity they know. When you finish laughing, apologize to the person, and make a mental note to lock your car doors the next time you visit that fishing lodge.

When it comes down to sensory superpowers, my friend does have one gift: the ability to read best before dates. I’ve never seen anything like it. His fridge is crammed with food; deli meats, chicken wings, cheeses, vegetables, breads and rolls, and some thick mystery paste that smells like the entrance of a shopping mall food court. Everything is in its original packaging, and the only way he can tell if the contents have gone bad, or even a little gamey, it to check the best before date on the labels. Anything that gets even close to the due date is watched closely, and once the date on the calendar exceeds the date on the label, into the freezer it goes.

Most people use their freezer to store food, yet his is used to store garbage, where no one is allowed to touch it until it is time to once again take that long walk to the curb. I didn’t have the heart to tell this man that his garbage isn’t garbage, and doesn’t stink, not even to a person with a normal nose.

Best before dates mean simply that, and not “this product turns to poison upon the printed date”. If his nose worked as well as his attention to best before dates, he would be able to sniff out bad food at ten paces, with the fridge door closed. He did try burying old food in the yard, but the local raccoons kept digging it up. Now they don’t even bother. They’re too fat, and prefer to wait at the end of the lane for the next “garbage” day.

Questions across the fence

August 15th, 2007

Hit the road for a week, and you are bound to see and enjoy a wide array of new experiences. You are also bound to see and enjoy a wide array of bathrooms, and the assorted reading material that comes with them. Not everyone enjoys a good book while they pause for the cause; however, some people feel almost compelled to read something whenever they have a seat. In a pinch, die hard bathroom readers will read your toothpaste tube or shampoo bottle, and have the ingredients memorized.
Having toured Ontario’s southern shores this summer; from whitewater rafting in Ottawa, to cottaging in Kingston, to a wedding in Windsor; I have been able to brush up on a dizzying array of reading material.
The most interesting reading I found was a dog-eared old copy of Birds & Blooms magazine, and the “Questions Across the Fence” section, where readers could submit questions in the vague hope other readers could forward an answer. The following are just a few examples of the mysteries that plague those individuals who seek beauty in their own backyard, and my best attempts at answers.
Who can tell me the best way to remove the outer shell from black walnuts? — Jacob from Bally, Pennsylvania Jacob, sharp knives and blowtorches can be dangerous. Dynamite works, but you have to keep your distance. Try freezing them, and hitting them with a sledgehammer.
I would like ideas for building a simple and inexpensive backyard pond. — Priscilla from McKinney, Texas Priscilla, find someone with a black walnut tree in their backyard, and ask them if they have any extra dynamite.
We have a beautiful squirrel house, but this spring the starlings came and chased the squirrels out. How can I keep the starlings out? — Tracy of Edwardsville, Kansas Tracy, find some old speaker wire, and a speaker that will fit inside the squirrel house. When you see a starling go inside, blast Celine Dion music at top volume. That racket will drive anything away, including your neighbours.
Where can I order cassette tapes of bird calls or frogs croaking? — Barbara from Arlington, Washington. Barbara, find someone with a squirrel house in their backyard, and ask to borrow their Celine Dion collection.
Does anyone have a proven method for keeping raccoons out of their backyard? — Grace from Charlotte, NC Grace, move into an apartment. It works every time.
How can I keep algae to a minimum in a recirculating birdbath? — Geri from Swansea, South Carolina Geri, fill your birdbath with vodka. The birds will love it. The grasshoppers are eating all my flowers.
Is there something I can use to keep them away that won’t hurt my geese? — Patty from Canton, Oklahoma Patty, skunks will eat grasshoppers, and have no effect on flowers or geese. If you decide to bring skunks into your backyard, I recommend you plant a few more flowers.
My geese all smell like skunk. — Patty from Canton. Patty, I can’t help you there. Your best bet would be to visit Geri in Swansea, and stick a drinking straw in her birdbath. Have you ever considered using dynamite?

Here’s your new cause, Mr. Suzuki

August 9th, 2007

Dear Mr. Suzuki; Let me begin by saying, I’m a really big fan, and have been watching your show, the Nature of Things, for years. My all-time favourite episode was the one where you had a really tiny camera roaming around the human reproductive system. Never seen anything like that before. It was so real you could feel it, but didn’t really want to.

I also loved the one about the giant Japanese hornets that slaughtered all the little bees, and then stole all their honey to feed a whole new generation of super giant killer hornets. Wait, that was a National Geographic special. But, don’t worry, Mr. Suzuki. The hornets can’t hurt you. Your body of work speaks for itself.

With shows about toxic waste, forestry clear cutting, and the destruction of coastal marine life, you have become our own distant early warning system. The world is a better place with you in it, even though the big oil companies really hate you. Good job with the new light bulbs, by the way. You know, those funky, curly ones with the mercury in them. Soon everyone will be switching over, and switching on.

The television commercial where you invade that man’s home, and tell him to buy more beer with all the money he is saving, is sheer brilliance. Don’t worry about your other ad either, where you light the street up like a carnival. Those new bulbs are so pretty, I’ll bet no one even noticed.

What I really wanted to say, Mr. Suzuki, is that I have your next crusade all picked out for you. Now that we have the light bulb problem licked, we can get down to business. I think you should tell everyone to turn off their air conditioners, for good. For good. Get it? Anyway, go talk to the government, and get them to make air conditioners illegal, except in hospitals, nursing homes, and places where people have to stand really close together, like city elevators. By cooling the air inside a building, an air conditioner actually heats up the outside world. I’m not a scientist like you, but even I can see this is only compounding the original problem.

If it’s hot out, we shouldn’t be making it even hotter. If you can’t stand the heat, you get out of the kitchen. You don’t stand there with the fridge door open; and you don’t have to be David Suzuki to figure that out. If global warming is a reality, and you and most of your peers keep telling us that it is, then we should be meeting it head on, and not hiding from it. Instead of crying about the heat, and the damage we are doing to our planet and ourselves, we should be living with it, and learning from it. If people are serious about making a difference, they should be out riding this heat wave, walking in it and talking in it; and not hiding from themselves in air conditioned cars and icy boardrooms with refrigerated bottled water.

Until we decide to get back in touch with the world, and back to the nature of things, pardon the pun, all this global warming banter is nothing more than mere hot air. Anyway, give it some thought. I’m here to help. In the mean time, keep up the good work. If there is anything else you need help with, don’t be afraid to ask—unless you’re looking for some place to stick a tiny camera. Forget that.

Three, two, one... more for the road

August 1st, 2007

Somebody call the proper authorities! The unthinkable has happened! Astronauts are flying around drunk!

Aviation Week and Space Technology recently reported that astronauts were allowed to fly after flight surgeons, and even fellow astronauts, warned they were so drunk they posed a flight safety risk. An independent panel reportedly found that surgeons allowed intoxicated astronauts to board the space shuttle on at least two occasions.

The panel was studying astronaut health, and unearthed "heavy use of alcohol" before launch that was an obvious breach of the standard twelve hour "bottle-to-throttle" rule for pilots and professional drivers.

A NASA official initially confirmed the report, but said the information is based on anonymous interviews and is unsubstantiated. It doesn´t make clear when the alleged incidents occurred, nor does it say whether the drunkards were the pilot and commander, or crew members who are strapped in with no role in flying the shuttle.

The panel was created following the arrest in February of former space shuttle astronaut Lisa Nowak.

Miss Nowak, you may remember, drove her car across the United States in a diaper, and attacked the girlfriend of a fellow astronaut with pepper spray, because she was moving in on the man Lisa loved. If ever a girl needed a drink to calm down, Nowak seems to be the type.

Honestly, I have no problem with astronauts flying drunk. It’s not like a Space Shuttle isn’t riding along on auto pilot the whole way. There is enough computer programming in that cockpit to run a small city, and even the best astronaut is simply along for the ride, and little else.

It’s kind of like riding a roller coaster. You buckle up, roll through a few twists and turns, and put your faith in the machine. There is always a chance something dreadful might happen, but that’s all part of the thrill. If you have never been drunk on a roller coaster, give it a try. It’s as close as you will ever get to becoming an astronaut.

The more I think about it, the more I can’t come up with a single reason why an astronaut can’t have a stiff drink or two before he or she starts work. An astronaut is under extreme pressure, literally, for the entire day.

There has probably been more than a few shuttle passengers that wished they were back home doing something honest, like digging a hole or chopping down a tree.

How much trouble can you really get into up there, with no bends in the road, no turns to make, no speed limits, no oncoming traffic, no weather hazards, no wildlife to dodge, and no railroad crossings. You don’t even have to worry about stopping for gas, groceries, or hitchhikers.

Astronauts have it made. The hard part is already over, after NASA puts them through their paces on the zero gravity, tilt-a-whirl and vomitron training machines.

If it turns out the cosmic crew really were sloshed as they left Earth, it won’t be long before the beer companies start promoting Space Shuttle parties complete with pizza, rock and roll, and buxom beauties. Make sure you check your case of beer for that winning ticket—and blast off.