Fifty things to do with sour wine

October 24th, 2007

The word vinegar comes from the Old French vin aigre, meaning “sour wine.” Vinegar itself comes from a fermentation of alcohol to produce its key ingredient, acetic acid. It has been used since ancient times, and is a valued addition to cuisines around the world.

Your grandmother probably used it to clean windows, or add a little zip to her cole slaw, but there is so much more vinegar can do.

Sprayed full strength on walks and driveways, vinegar will starve and kill grass and weeds, deter ants and keep cats away as well.

Sprinkle vinegar on any area you don't want the cat walking, sleeping, or scratching on; such as your favourite chair, or your side of your girlfriend’s bed.

It has been used to remove skunk smell from dogs, and can keep them from scratching their ears when applied with a clean, soft cloth.

A little vinegar in their drinking water can keep chickens from pecking each other.

A vinegar marinade will tenderize meat, and a good soak after adding a tablespoon to a bowl of water can freshen wilted vegetables.

Adding a splash to the water will keep eggs from cracking when you boil them.

It will soothe mosquito, bee and jellyfish stings, along with sunburn and dry, itchy skin.

If you suffer from all of the above, vinegar will probably come up short as a solution to your problems, but is still worth a try.

A touch of vinegar will remove sticky residue left by shampoo, and it has been used to fight dandruff as well.

Soak your daughter’s hair and clothes in vinegar before she goes on a date, and it will help you sleep at night.

For the handyman, vinegar will polish car chrome and is a moderately effective rust remover as well.

Medicinally, a brief gargle and swallow will soothe a sore throat. It offers relief for sinus infections and chest colds, and a teaspoon of cider vinegar in a glass of water, with a bit of honey added for flavor, will take the edge off your appetite and give you an overall healthy feeling.

Rub it on your fingers, and vinegar will remove onion and fruit stains. It cleans and deodorizes all sorts of kitchen areas, from cutting boards to sink drains, will clean your teapot or fridge, and cut grease in dishwater.

Pour it down a clogged drain with baking soda, and enjoy the show.

Soak a piece of bread in vinegar and let it sit, and it will freshen a lunchbox overnight. Use the bread for a big, soggy vinegar sandwich the next day, and no one will want to trade lunches with your child ever again.

Boiling a solution of a quarter cup of vinegar to one cup of water in a microwave will loosen splattered on food and deodorize it. The cat probably won’t go near it either.

A half cup in the rinse cycle will get rid of lint in clothes and brighten fabric colours. Immersing your clothes in full strength vinegar before washing will help hold the colours. You can even get the smoke smell out of clothes, by adding it to hot water and hanging the clothes above the steam.

Because I don’t have a cat, a lunchbox, or problem with jellyfish, I haven’t actually tried half of these helpful hints. I have found vinegar extremely useful, however, in keeping my Dad out of my french fries. He hates the sour wine.

Relax honey, it’s for the children

October 17th, 2007

“Cigarette?” “No. No. I never touch them.” “Well, I suck ‘em down like Coca Cola. Here’s to feeling good all the time.” — Cosmo Kramer, from Seinfeld

If someone you love is thinking of quitting smoking, give them a helping hand, and buy them some cigarettes. Don’t buy just any old cigarettes, mind you. Buy your friend a bag of loose tobacco and some rolling papers. Buy them the kind of cigarettes you have to roll yourself. Given the choice between taking the easy way out, and actually working for something, just about everyone you know is going to prefer the lazy solution.

Smokers are no different. If all tobacco was the roll-your-own variety, a vast number of smokers would pass up a puff or two or ten, rather than go to the extra effort of rolling one up. If cigarettes weren’t so adorable and available, most smokers would probably give them up.

Although roll-your-own smokes would not stop everyone, it would certainly slow them down. Such a move, however, could enrage a few addicts—but there would be no real cause for alarm. The worst of the bunch would probably chase you for a block, block and a half at most, before stopping to lean against a post, suck down another dart, and curse all the pink-lunged health nuts passing them in the street.

Since such a complete shift in how our nicotine is delivered is most likely not going to happen, and smoking is not going to go away, we should make the system work for us.

We should be selling cigarettes as a fundraiser. Let’s say, just as a random example, that a town is building a new sports complex. If all the proceeds from the sale of tobacco in that town went directly into the building fund, the new arena would be paid for in no time. Smokers have had it bad lately, forced outside or into pens to enjoy their habit, yet fundraising makes everyone feel better.

The best part of the plan is the sense of accomplishment and community spirit every smoker would feel, knowing that with every puff of sweet, sweet smoke, they would be making their town a better place. Anytime a person heard “You really shouldn’t smoke so much, dear” they would be able to proudly say “Relax honey, it’s for the children.”

The same system could be set in motion if marijuana ever becomes legal, which may actually happen before the end of this century, or when the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup again. The odds are about even at this point, so there is no real cause for alarm just yet.

While the image of children going door-to-door selling pot and cigarettes isn’t exactly the look a responsible community might be going for, the idea behind the fundraiser is sound. As governments tighten their purse strings, the big dollars just aren’t there any more for small towns. Communities are being forced to look after their own infrastructure, and a few million here and there for a new arena, swimming pool, sewage treatment plant, downtown restoration, or hospital, is an awful lot to ask. It shouldn’t be so terrible, then, to ask for a new direction in revenue generation.

Just keep telling yourself, it’s for the children.

Play nice, or don’t play at all

October 9th, 2007

Once upon a time there were two little boys. One of the boys, Little Johnny, liked to wear blue and talk about how people are different and should look after themselves. Little Johnny didn’t really get along with Little Dalton, who liked to wear red, and talk about how people should be equal and how things have to change. It seemed the two boys were always fighting.

They would often sit down together in the sandbox and argue. But not too often. There were plenty of days when they wouldn’t be seen at all, and a playground supervisor could swear they spent their time accomplishing nothing.

The sandbox was usually filled with other children too, those who liked to wear orange, and green, and all sorts of fancy colours; but they never seemed to be as popular as the two wearing all the red and blue, for some reason. Every once in a while, just to keep things exciting for everyone, the children in the sandbox would get together to try and determine who was the fairest of them all. The children didn’t have a magical mirror to look into, so they all washed their faces, smiled, and tried to talk it out.

Apparently, sensible talk doesn’t get you very far in a sandbox and, before long, the children were screaming and yelling and throwing dirt at each other. They probably would have started hair pulling too, but too many of the other children were watching them at this point.

So, they decided to employ more subtle tactics. Little Dalton began by talking about his popularity, about all the good things he has done, and how the world is a better place with him in it. This upset Little Johnny, and he quickly told everyone that Little Dalton doesn’t keep his promises, that he lies, and can not be trusted.

No one can keep all their promises, said Little Dalton, but with hard work and more time, things will get better. He said if Little Johnny was in charge of the sandbox, he would split it up, and half would have to pay to play there.

This upset the other children. The one in green stopped cleaning all the sand, the one in orange stopped dividing it equally into little piles, and the rest ran around without any real direction. Before long they were all shouting, saying terrible things, and hoping someone would start crying.

Whether or not they all lived happily ever after remains to be seen, but it doesn’t look too likely at this point. The problem with the sandbox is not the quality of the children playing in it, but the quality of their behaviour. Instead of shifting attention to how dirty one end of the sandbox is, the children should be spending their energy looking after the whole thing. If Little Dalton and Little Johnny spent as much energy on positive change as they did complaining, the sandbox would be a far better place. My teachers taught me that pointing out someone else’s faults does not erase your own shortcomings.

It is disappointing that any child, whatever colour they happen to be wearing, sinks so low as to only point out the negatives. Instead of allowing such behaviour, and rewarding it, we should start looking into the sandbox, right into those dirty little faces, and tell them all to clean up their act.