Relax honey, it’s for the children

October 17th, 2007

“Cigarette?” “No. No. I never touch them.” “Well, I suck ‘em down like Coca Cola. Here’s to feeling good all the time.” — Cosmo Kramer, from Seinfeld

If someone you love is thinking of quitting smoking, give them a helping hand, and buy them some cigarettes. Don’t buy just any old cigarettes, mind you. Buy your friend a bag of loose tobacco and some rolling papers. Buy them the kind of cigarettes you have to roll yourself. Given the choice between taking the easy way out, and actually working for something, just about everyone you know is going to prefer the lazy solution.

Smokers are no different. If all tobacco was the roll-your-own variety, a vast number of smokers would pass up a puff or two or ten, rather than go to the extra effort of rolling one up. If cigarettes weren’t so adorable and available, most smokers would probably give them up.

Although roll-your-own smokes would not stop everyone, it would certainly slow them down. Such a move, however, could enrage a few addicts—but there would be no real cause for alarm. The worst of the bunch would probably chase you for a block, block and a half at most, before stopping to lean against a post, suck down another dart, and curse all the pink-lunged health nuts passing them in the street.

Since such a complete shift in how our nicotine is delivered is most likely not going to happen, and smoking is not going to go away, we should make the system work for us.

We should be selling cigarettes as a fundraiser. Let’s say, just as a random example, that a town is building a new sports complex. If all the proceeds from the sale of tobacco in that town went directly into the building fund, the new arena would be paid for in no time. Smokers have had it bad lately, forced outside or into pens to enjoy their habit, yet fundraising makes everyone feel better.

The best part of the plan is the sense of accomplishment and community spirit every smoker would feel, knowing that with every puff of sweet, sweet smoke, they would be making their town a better place. Anytime a person heard “You really shouldn’t smoke so much, dear” they would be able to proudly say “Relax honey, it’s for the children.”

The same system could be set in motion if marijuana ever becomes legal, which may actually happen before the end of this century, or when the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup again. The odds are about even at this point, so there is no real cause for alarm just yet.

While the image of children going door-to-door selling pot and cigarettes isn’t exactly the look a responsible community might be going for, the idea behind the fundraiser is sound. As governments tighten their purse strings, the big dollars just aren’t there any more for small towns. Communities are being forced to look after their own infrastructure, and a few million here and there for a new arena, swimming pool, sewage treatment plant, downtown restoration, or hospital, is an awful lot to ask. It shouldn’t be so terrible, then, to ask for a new direction in revenue generation.

Just keep telling yourself, it’s for the children.