Revenge of the funnel cake

April 23rd, 2008

Irony can be a hard concept to pin down at times. Popular singer Alanis Morissette tried a few years ago with a tune called Ironic, where she sang about rain on your wedding day, a traffic jam when you’re already late, and ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. She should have titled her song Unfortunate, because none of what she mentions is actually ironic.

If you were a city planner, and got stuck in a traffic jam that left you late for a meeting of city planners, who were getting together to discuss city traffic problems, that would be ironic. The fact that Ironic contains no actual irony, is actually kind of ironic. See what I mean?

It can all get confusing. But fear not, for I have stumbled upon a perfectly delicious illustration of irony, one that you can use the next time someone asks you to define the term. I recently read that a ride at Disneyland is due to be shut down for months and revamped, because it keeps bottoming out when full of passengers. This can mean only one thing; that the people who visit Disneyland are bigger and fatter and heavier than ever before. Bottom line. And, what is the name of this ride? It’s a Small World. Now, that’s irony. I would buy a ticket just to watch that ride, and listen to the rails scrape and gears groan, as it tries to haul all the fun loving fat loving families wedged into the seats.

Maybe the people who go to Disneyland are eating too many of those delicious funnel cakes that are still so popular. A funnel cake is made by pouring sweet batter through a funnel into hot oil, in a circular pattern, and deep frying it until golden brown. It is often served with powdered sugar, jam, or other toppings such as icing or a heart attack. It gets its name from a specially-made pouring pitcher with an integral funnel-like spout, instead of a separate funnel. The round cakes are also known as elephant ears; not pig’s ears, which are the ears that perk up when a person hears “Funnel cakes for sale! Get ‘em while they’re hot!” It is also rather ironic that the very food sold to make money for Disneyland may wind up costing the park a bundle in the long run. Then again, they probably make far more money on cake than a ride with poor suspension.

The average funnel cake sells for a few bucks, and costs roughly 17 cents to make. Incidentally, this is exactly the number of pounds the average person gains every time they eat a funnel cake. Even Alanis will tell you this leans a little more towards the unfortunate than the ironic. Sadly, the cruel reach of the funnel cake has extended all the way to Japan, where researchers have designed a robot capable of identifying wines, cheeses and meats. Upon being given a sample, it speaks up and identifies what it has just been fed. The idea is that wineries can tell if a wine is authentic without even opening the bottle. When a reporter placed his hand in the robot's clanking jaw, he was identified as bacon. A cameraman tried, and was identified as prosciutto.

Humans beware! Robots think we taste like bacon. It will only be a matter of time before they consume us all. You might say even that’s ironic.