Three, two, one... more for the road
August 1st, 2007
Somebody call the proper authorities! The unthinkable has happened! Astronauts are flying around drunk!
Aviation Week and Space Technology recently reported that astronauts were allowed to fly after flight surgeons, and even fellow astronauts, warned they were so drunk they posed a flight safety risk. An independent panel reportedly found that surgeons allowed intoxicated astronauts to board the space shuttle on at least two occasions.
The panel was studying astronaut health, and unearthed "heavy use of alcohol" before launch that was an obvious breach of the standard twelve hour "bottle-to-throttle" rule for pilots and professional drivers.
A NASA official initially confirmed the report, but said the information is based on anonymous interviews and is unsubstantiated. It doesn´t make clear when the alleged incidents occurred, nor does it say whether the drunkards were the pilot and commander, or crew members who are strapped in with no role in flying the shuttle.
The panel was created following the arrest in February of former space shuttle astronaut Lisa Nowak.
Miss Nowak, you may remember, drove her car across the United States in a diaper, and attacked the girlfriend of a fellow astronaut with pepper spray, because she was moving in on the man Lisa loved. If ever a girl needed a drink to calm down, Nowak seems to be the type.
Honestly, I have no problem with astronauts flying drunk. It’s not like a Space Shuttle isn’t riding along on auto pilot the whole way. There is enough computer programming in that cockpit to run a small city, and even the best astronaut is simply along for the ride, and little else.
It’s kind of like riding a roller coaster. You buckle up, roll through a few twists and turns, and put your faith in the machine. There is always a chance something dreadful might happen, but that’s all part of the thrill. If you have never been drunk on a roller coaster, give it a try. It’s as close as you will ever get to becoming an astronaut.
The more I think about it, the more I can’t come up with a single reason why an astronaut can’t have a stiff drink or two before he or she starts work. An astronaut is under extreme pressure, literally, for the entire day.
There has probably been more than a few shuttle passengers that wished they were back home doing something honest, like digging a hole or chopping down a tree.
How much trouble can you really get into up there, with no bends in the road, no turns to make, no speed limits, no oncoming traffic, no weather hazards, no wildlife to dodge, and no railroad crossings. You don’t even have to worry about stopping for gas, groceries, or hitchhikers.
Astronauts have it made. The hard part is already over, after NASA puts them through their paces on the zero gravity, tilt-a-whirl and vomitron training machines.
If it turns out the cosmic crew really were sloshed as they left Earth, it won’t be long before the beer companies start promoting Space Shuttle parties complete with pizza, rock and roll, and buxom beauties. Make sure you check your case of beer for that winning ticket—and blast off.
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