Questions across the fence

August 15th, 2007

Hit the road for a week, and you are bound to see and enjoy a wide array of new experiences. You are also bound to see and enjoy a wide array of bathrooms, and the assorted reading material that comes with them. Not everyone enjoys a good book while they pause for the cause; however, some people feel almost compelled to read something whenever they have a seat. In a pinch, die hard bathroom readers will read your toothpaste tube or shampoo bottle, and have the ingredients memorized.
Having toured Ontario’s southern shores this summer; from whitewater rafting in Ottawa, to cottaging in Kingston, to a wedding in Windsor; I have been able to brush up on a dizzying array of reading material.
The most interesting reading I found was a dog-eared old copy of Birds & Blooms magazine, and the “Questions Across the Fence” section, where readers could submit questions in the vague hope other readers could forward an answer. The following are just a few examples of the mysteries that plague those individuals who seek beauty in their own backyard, and my best attempts at answers.
Who can tell me the best way to remove the outer shell from black walnuts? — Jacob from Bally, Pennsylvania Jacob, sharp knives and blowtorches can be dangerous. Dynamite works, but you have to keep your distance. Try freezing them, and hitting them with a sledgehammer.
I would like ideas for building a simple and inexpensive backyard pond. — Priscilla from McKinney, Texas Priscilla, find someone with a black walnut tree in their backyard, and ask them if they have any extra dynamite.
We have a beautiful squirrel house, but this spring the starlings came and chased the squirrels out. How can I keep the starlings out? — Tracy of Edwardsville, Kansas Tracy, find some old speaker wire, and a speaker that will fit inside the squirrel house. When you see a starling go inside, blast Celine Dion music at top volume. That racket will drive anything away, including your neighbours.
Where can I order cassette tapes of bird calls or frogs croaking? — Barbara from Arlington, Washington. Barbara, find someone with a squirrel house in their backyard, and ask to borrow their Celine Dion collection.
Does anyone have a proven method for keeping raccoons out of their backyard? — Grace from Charlotte, NC Grace, move into an apartment. It works every time.
How can I keep algae to a minimum in a recirculating birdbath? — Geri from Swansea, South Carolina Geri, fill your birdbath with vodka. The birds will love it. The grasshoppers are eating all my flowers.
Is there something I can use to keep them away that won’t hurt my geese? — Patty from Canton, Oklahoma Patty, skunks will eat grasshoppers, and have no effect on flowers or geese. If you decide to bring skunks into your backyard, I recommend you plant a few more flowers.
My geese all smell like skunk. — Patty from Canton. Patty, I can’t help you there. Your best bet would be to visit Geri in Swansea, and stick a drinking straw in her birdbath. Have you ever considered using dynamite?