Take me out to the smorgball game

4/24/2007

“I might as well not wake up tomorrow. It’s not going to get any better than this.” — conversation overheard in the right field stands at Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles.
Imagine gorging yourself at a baseball game, and living to tell the tale. That’s how the L.A. Dodgers want it.
The storied major league baseball franchise recently announced they are turning their right-field bleachers into an all-you-can-eat pavilion this season.
For a paltry $35 in advance, or only $40 on game day, right-field fans can happily stuff themselves with nachos, hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn and soft drinks—basically, all the health food that ballpark regulars already enjoy.
Dodger management has obviously not geared the pavilion toward food yuppies, or the fancy folk who shell out the biggest bucks. You won’t find any organic lettuce or feta cheese up in the right field rafters. This feast is for the beasts and, when you get right down to it, most people would rather whoop it up on pork and beans, than sit quietly in a box like kings and queens. Whether it increases attendance as much as waistlines remains to be seen.
Regardless, baseball could use the boost. Any boost.
As far as spectator sports go, baseball is a colossal bore for the bulk of sports fans, even the bulkier ones wolfing down dogs in right field. It lacks the speed of hockey, the punch of football, the purity of rugby, and the gangsters, goons and gargoyles of professional basketball.
People who understand baseball, and study it, find the game enormously entertaining. This is a good thing, but it is nothing that can’t be improved by filling a pumpkin with nachos and cheese, throwing it in the deep fryer, and then selling it to some drunken, shirtless bleacher creature.
The all-you-can-eat approach is sure to be a winner, not so much with fans who are content to sip a few overpriced cups of foam, but with those true die-hards who prefer the more legally risky, but cost effective, strategy of intoxicating themselves in the stadium parking lot.
In the end, I have to give the Dodgers credit for recognizing that Americans are genetically engineered to appreciate the lure of unlimited food consumption. Gas stations in L.A. have more food in them than some countries.
The food is available 90 minutes before game time, and the stands close two hours after the first pitch. In the spirit of mercy, the Dodgers also offer free bottled water.
The only glitch in the perfect logic of smorgball, is the tendency for waste when you know a supply is unlimited. The Dodgers had better make sure they win some games, or it won’t be long before some of those free hot dogs and peanuts come volleying out of the right-field stands.
There is a reason why they stopped selling tomatoes as refreshment at live events years ago, and it isn’t because no one likes biting into a warm, wet tomato.
The best part is, if baseball fans wind up feeling sick by the ninth inning, lost in a hazy blur of foul air, reduced vision and clammy skin, they can always blame it on the loser—which may or may not be the Dodgers, but will undoubtedly be your digestive system.