I heard tell of a fella...

Every little once in a while, you hear a story that leaves you scratching your head; a story that sounds so fantastic it just has to be true, because no one in their right mind would make up such ridiculous nonsense. Such a story usually begins with something like “I heard tell of a fella...” and ends with something along the lines of “Who’d a thunk it.” Maybe you hear stories like that all the time, and love them. Maybe you don’t, and get to hear them all anyway. I heard tell it happens. I also heard tell of a fella who tried to make a few bucks raising free range cattle. He had the land, and the notion there was a market for all-natural, farm-raised beef, but the money never did come rolling in. The only thing that always came rolling in was neighbours at meal time. What also came rolling in was moose hunting season, and every fall a few of his animals would be wandering the hills and lowlands and inadvertently end up dead in the sights of a rifle. No one ever felt good about the situation, but rather than aggravate the issue with complaints, the farmer invested in a can of blaze orange spray paint. Now, each fall, his cattle all sport a giant C O W in bold letters across their sides. The cattle don’t seem to mind, and there are fewer accidents, so the system appears to work. He even offers a discount for hunters who wind up empty handed at the end of the season. Who’d a thunk it. Then I heard tell of a fella who can’t wait for ice fishing season to start, so he can try out his latest find, FishTV. Imagine a submersible camera in the shape of a fish, connected to 50 feet of cable, and broadcasting a live picture to a nearby video monitor. That’s FishTV. It even has an infrared light on the front for added visibility, making it useful enough to spot anything from minnows to Loch Ness. Rather than stare off into space, or down the hole, the fisherman plans to watch FishTV a lot this winter. He even plans on dumping a bag of bright, white dolomite down the hole to ensure a nice contrast in the picture, sort of like an underwater movie screen as the fish sniff around the bait. The entire rig is also well suited for the inside of a boat, and for eyeballing fish who might be trailing the lure on the end of your line as you’re out trolling. Who’d a thunk it. I also heard tell of a fella who is looking for a permit and a special season designed to bring a new northern nuisance animal under control, the dump deer. Apparently, northern communities are being plagued by herds of smart deer; animals who have figured out that a lot of people do a lot more recycling than composting, and garbage bags can be stuffed with such deerly delicacies as apple cores, potato skins, lettuce leaves and carrot tops. With little or no shame, deer are now hanging out in landfills and, with little or no work, are ripping through the plastic they find and dining on the contents. Factor in the dump bears and reduce-reuse-raccoons, and the landfill begins to look like a woodsy cafeteria. Who’d a thunk it. I also heard tell of a fella who accidentally spilled spot remover on his dog, and now he can’t find him. Oh, you’ve heard that one? Who’d a thunk it.