Taking time for a little sit down

If you think that someone you love is spending too much time in the bathroom, think again. Making headlines in western Kansas, a 35-year-old woman sat down in her boyfriend’s bathroom, and didn’t get up again for two whole years. You might think she was stranded in there, but she wasn’t. Not at first anyway.

The dedicated boyfriend checked on her every day, asking if she was ready to come out. Her answer, for two whole years, was ‘maybe tomorrow’. When the man finally reported that something was wrong with his girlfriend, police arrived to find the woman almost fully clothed, sitting on the toilet, otherwise none the worse for wear. Except the woman’s skin had grown around the seat. The muscles in her legs had so severely atrophied she will likely need a wheelchair to get around for a while. She initially refused emergency medical services, but was finally convinced by everyone that she needed to be checked out at a hospital, toilet seat and all. Police initially thought she had been glued or tied to the throne, but soon determined she was physically stuck there by her body alone. The boyfriend reported bringing in food and water, but the woman did not want to leave the bathroom. He never explained why it took him two years to call police, and no one has been able to explain the couple’s bizarre behaviour. Authorities said she wasn’t cooperative, kept saying she was okay, but seemed “somewhat disoriented.”

The entire twisted tale has left everyone scratching their heads. Police feel someone should be charged for something, but they can’t seem to find anything illegal about a person who decides to sit on a toilet for two whole years. It turns out it’s not against the law. It’s just wrong.

In other news, a New York man is suing the commercial airline jetBlue for $2 million, saying he suffered “extreme humiliation” after he spent his trip in the bathroom. The man claims he was denied a seat on a five-hour flight, because the plane was full. He was allowed on board when an attendant offered to give up her seat, but 90 minutes into the voyage the pilot said the flight attendant was uncomfortable, and he was now welcome to “hang out” in the plane's bathroom for the remainder of the flight.

After reading this, I was haunted by the feeling I had heard the story before. And then it dawned on me. It is the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. In that cautionary tale, a little girl busts into a cabin in the woods and eats porridge that is too hot, too cold, and then just right. She sits in a chair that is too big, too small, and then just right; and sleeps in a bed too hard, too soft, and then just right. I can’t remember the ending, except the one my babysitter told me that the bears dipped the girl in honey and spent the rest of the winter eating her.

The point is, the girl from Kansas and the boy from New York need to meet in the middle, just like Goldilocks did. Whether you want to stay seated for two years, or get out before your five hours is up, the key is moderation and being able to make the choice for yourself—and if you have any sense at all, it shouldn’t take two years to make it.