Praise the lard... and Perk Rinds

November 21st, 2007

There was a time, a time not too long ago, that lard was banished to the health food basement, somewhere between lead paint gravy and asbestos pancakes. Not anymore. Lard is back, and gaining momentum. Quite simply, lard is rendered and clarified pig fat. The best of it comes from around a pig’s kidneys, but most of what your grandmother put into her blue-ribbon pie crust was harvested from a pig’s back; which means lard is back in a somewhat literal sense as well.

Experts are beginning to tell us that lard is a healthier alternative to hydrogenated oil, and contains mostly unsaturated fat. It’s not as good for you as a glass of water and a jog around the block with a piano strapped to your back, but, as it turns out, lard isn’t all that bad after all. It certainly is your best friend in the pan when it comes to frying chicken or fish. Take a peek in any old cookbook, and see how often the author has you melting a little lard and adding a touch to your favourite recipe. You might be surprised, just as you might be surprised to learn that the lowly pork rind is enjoying a surge in popularity.

The pork rind, or pork crackling, is the fried skin of a pig, and more and more people these days are turning to pork rinds as their snack food of choice. And why not. There are more letters in the word polyunsaturated than you will find in the list of ingredients on a bag of pork rinds—pork, lard, salt—which, for my money, classifies them as health food.

Compare that list to the ingredients in a chocolate bar, frozen pizza or tub of ice cream, and decide for yourself what might be better for you. You can find pork rinds in just about every grocery store now, and at nearly every snack counter at a highway service station or rest stop. Most often, you will find them nestled beside the energy drinks, another product whose popularity has surged by leaps and bounds in recent years. The energy drink market has exploded, and there are more brands than you can shake a stick of butter at.

An awful lot of money is being made in drinks that can give you a kick in backside, and I have personally sucked down Accelerator, Battery, Crunk, Shark, Blue Ox, Venom, Red Devil, Whoop Ass and Pimpjuice, just to name a few. Most of them are loaded down with guarana, a stimulant similar to coffee that quickens perceptions, delays sleep, impairs appetite, aids endurance, increases the heart rate, and sends you more frequently to the toilet.

My dream is to market an energy pork rind. By adding one more simple ingredient, guarana, to the holy trinity of pork, lard, and salt, I hope to invent Perk Rinds, the world’s first snack food to perk you up as it porks you up. Had too much turkey and feel a little sluggish? Try a Perk Rind. Been on the road all night, and don’t feel like driving anymore? Grab some Perk Rinds and you’ll be on your way in no time. No time for a coffee and cigarette with your bacon and hangover? Well, start your day with Perk Rinds, and you’ll be ready to take on the world.

I would be happy to meet with anyone willing to invest in such a venture—just don’t forget to bring pork rinds.