All show, and plenty of go

September 26th, 2007

Football was a lot of fun on Sunday night, especially the Dallas game where the Cowboys made fools of the Chicago Bears by running up a 34-10 victory on the strength of three interceptions; which are always fun, unless your favourite player happens to be the one throwing them.

The best part of the show was Terrell Owens, the new poster boy for the “performer first, athlete second” plague that continues to infest professional sports. Terrell Owens is a talented, productive, outspoken and controversial wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, and has a real knack for letting his mouth, and flamboyant touchdown celebrations, get him into all sports of trouble.

You may remember Owens as the player who was fined one week’s pay—a tidy $24,000—for scoring a touchdown, pulling a black marker out of his sock, signing the football, and passing it into the stands to his financial adviser. He was also fined $7,500 for taunting an opposing coach by mimicking the motion of a movie camera; and used a towel as a waiter might, when he served a football to the opposition after scoring his 100th touchdown.

Whatever he has done, it is obvious the fines he pays aren’t making a lick of difference. And why should they. Pay a person millions of dollars to play a game, and you can expect them to toss a few thousand back at you for the privilege of acting like an immature jerk from time to time. The beauty of watching a maniac like Terrell Owens is that he has the talent to back up his shenanigans. The guy is flat out amazing. He holds the NFL record for the most catches (20) in a single game, led the league in receiving touchdowns in 2001, 2002 and 2006; and put together five straight 1,000-yard seasons from 2000-2004. He also wrote a children’s book entitled “Little T Learns to Share.”

Terrell Owens brings the goods—like Barry Bonds.

Say what you want about Bonds, his drugs, his legacy and his controversies, but he has clobbered more home runs than anyone else in baseball. Period. There is no denying that. We might as well make drugs legal in professional sports. Science and technology being what it is, cheaters will always be one step ahead of those trying to catch them.

Drugs should not only be legal, but encouraged. Just imagine what a hoot it would be to see a yellow eyed, foaming at the mouth, jacked up, drug addled, 315lb freak with two per cent body fat step up to the plate, grunt once, and hit a ball so high it knocks satellites out of orbit. Just imagine how much fun Sunday would be if the NFL featured running backs spliced with rhino DNA, fed an all protein diet of raw meat and steroid gravy, washed down with energy drinks, strong coffee, and a few bee stings. I would buy a ticket to see that, and bring the family too.

Who wouldn’t? It’s all about entertainment, you see. Die hard fans will follow their favourite sports, teams and players no matter what. The real money lies in attracting the casual fan, and spotlight seekers such as Terrell Owens and the many others who are all show, and plenty of go, are the ones who are truly filling the stadiums. You might as well sit back and enjoy it.