Free Paris Hilton. We need her.

6/13/2007

Paris Hilton is an American celebrity, socialite, actress and recording artist. She is also an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, and the value of that inheritance is estimated at roughly $50 million.
In September 2006, she was arrested for driving under the influence and subsequently sentenced to 36 months probation, and had her driver’s license suspended.
In February 2007, she was stopped for speeding and driving after dark with no headlights on, and subsequently charged with violating her probation.
In May 2007, she was sentenced to 45 days in jail.
And the world wept, roughly 50 million tears.
In June 2007, after partying it up at the annual MTV Movie Awards, Hilton checked into an all female jail in California. With credit for good behavior, it was anticipated she would serve only 23 days of her 45 day sentence.
She served five. Five agonizing days.
In an unexpected turn of events, the L.A. County Sheriff signed orders that Hilton could serve out her sentence at home, for a ‘medical condition.’ And the world cheered.
That very day, however, Paris was ordered back to court by the L. A. City Attorney, and was sent back to jail to serve out the remainder of her sentence. She was taken out of the courtroom screaming for her mother.
Tragic. I may never recover from the shock of it all.
To see a positive role model like Paris Hilton treated so harshly, so unfairly, so forcefully, is positively outrageous.
She must be set free immediately. We need her.
With her skinny legs, smooth skin and white teeth, Paris reminds us all how old, fat and ugly we are compared to her. We need her in the public eye, flaunting her sparkling eyes and perky parts, to goad us into becoming better.
Yes, Paris isn’t perfect; but who among us is?
I realize she has no real job, no real talent, no apparent skills at all for that matter; but we need her on television and in magazines to remind us that, no matter how small and ordinary we might feel, there is always the chance that we can become famous, and one of the beautiful people.
Some of us have a lot longer road to travel than others, but the magic power of Paris is what keeps us going.
Of course, it helps to have a lot of money.
I admit Paris didn’t earn any of her millions. That’s daddy’s money, and everybody knows it; but it certainly hasn’t stopped her from spending buckets of it.
A free Paris is good for the economy, and it’s no secret that Mr. Bush and his generals need all the help they can get when it comes to their economy. Someone should stand up and demand justice. O. J. Simpson is rich, and he didn’t have to go to jail at all, not even for five days.
At the very least, a free Paris Hilton is a convenient distraction. When we focus our attention on something as harmless as Paris, we forget all about all the other truly nasty things out there in the wide world, such as poverty, war, genocide, taxes, mosquitoes and pickled pig’s feet.
It’s going to be a long 45 days without Paris. If you find yourself missing her, you’re probably the only one.