The inconvenient truth about Santa

12/12/2006

With U.S presidential failure Al Gore’s much talked-about documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” now on video store shelves, the Confederate had a chance last week to sit down with the filmmaker and delve into the topic of global climate change.
C.C. - Greetings, Mr. Gore, and thank you for the opportunity for us to have this little chat.
A.G. - My pleasure. Does it seem hot in here?
C.C. - You haven’t taken your coat off, sir.
A.G. - Ah, yes of course. We might be laughing today, but global warming is real, man-made, and its effects will be cataclysmic if we do not act now.
C.C. - Are you saying we will all burst into flames soon if we don’t come to terms with this dilemma?
A.G. - Yes.
C.C. - I see. Is there really any hard evidence that we are in the grips of climate change?
A.G. - Oh, certainly there is. The polar ice caps are melting, the oceans are rising, the deserts are hotter, and tropical storms are more severe now.
People are sweating more before noon, toasters are burning toast more often and, in a couple years we won’t even have to boil water for coffee. Forget about cold beer and ice cream. Cool Whip is already making efforts to change its name to Warm Whip.
C.C. - That can’t be welcome news for anyone who likes to eat strawberry shortcake.
A.G. - It’s a disaster, to be sure. Even worse, global warming is having a direct effect on Santa Claus. He may not even be coming this year.
C.C. - What? No Santa Claus? No presents? No Christmas? Please tell me it isn’t that bad.
A.G. - It is. For starters, there is no way Santa’s sleigh is getting off the ground this year. The North Pole is nothing more than wet slush right now.
C.C. - Can’t his eight tiny reindeer pull it out?
A.G. - Not likely. They haven’t flown since Santa traded in his sleigh for a canoe, and taught the reindeer to swim. It’s been a difficult adjustment.
C.C. - Not to mention the threat of polar bears.
A.G. - Actually, they are no longer much of a problem. Most of them just sleep all day in the shade, under the porch on Santa’s workshop.
C.C. - That must be tough on all the elves.
A.G. - Yes, it is. There aren’t quite as many as there used to be, and no one could figure out where they were all disappearing to. The few elves that are left don’t even come outside anymore.
C.C. - Who is going to load Santa’s sleigh? How will all the good girls and boys get any presents?
A.G. - Until everyone goes out and buys all new light bulbs for their homes, electric cars and a solar toothbrush, there are no good little boys and girls.
C.C. - That’s a pretty hefty price tag, Mr. Gore. What if we can’t afford to make so many changes?
A.G. - Then just buy my documentary.