Sorry grandpa, your tomatoes were rotten

8/30/2006

My grandfather grew all kinds of tomatoes.

He grew big, juicy ones as large and heavy as a human head; the kind that would cover a piece of toast, and then some, with a single, dripping slice.

He grew small, teardrop-shaped ones that he mashed, sealed up in jars, and stored in the basement in the event of the next Great Depression.

He grew tiny, bright red ones that exploded in your mouth, and down your chin, and down your shirt, if you made the mistake of biting into one.

He even grew those crazy yellow ones that looked like leftovers from the Chernobyl disaster.
If he only knew that he was cultivating poison.

Recently, it has come to my attention that the tomato, that zesty little vegetable, or fruit, or whatever it really is, is actually a poisonous berry.

The tomato was first domesticated by the Aztecs, and their civilization is in ruins today. Coincidence? I doubt it. Later, around 1600, Spanish conquerors brought the thin-skinned berries to Europe.

Europeans resisted the New World food, thinking it fit only for wild animals. Early botanists named it Lycopersicon, or “wolf peach”, and it took a long time to catch on. The first recipe for tomato ketchup didn’t appear in kitchens until the 1700s.

The tomato plant is a member of the poisonous deadly Nightshade family. Its leaves are hairy and have a strong odour, kind of like my grandfather, and the leaves, stems, and anything else green on the plant is toxic to humans. Even a small amount can kill a cat. If your ex-girlfriend offers you some green tomato tea after a messy break-up, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

The plants contain a bitter alkaloid called solanine, which is the same nasty stuff found in green potatoes, so try not to eat too many of them either.

The poison is the plant’s defense mechanism, which helps to explain why the tomato is so easily cultivated throughout the world, like an invading species, from porches to palaces.

As if it couldn’t get any worse, tomatoes can intensify arthritis and other ailments. If you are thinking about kicking cigarettes, clear out all your tomatoes as well. The fruit contains trace elements of nicotine, and can re-trigger cigarette addiction.

I hesitate to even call the tomato a fruit. It has been listed as a vegetable, for taxation purposes, but the debate continues to rage over what it really is. There is no way I will be convinced the tomato is a fruit, because it can not produce alcohol.

Fruits make wine, brandy and many other lovely products to enjoy on a hot day. The tomato does not, and that is why you will never find a bottle of tomato ice wine in your local wine region.

It is an aberration, and should be avoided at all costs. Just ask the Aztecs—if you can find one.