If only life were like the commercials

After what seemed like a lifetime of separation, the NHL playoffs are finally underway. That means I, like so many other good Canadians, will be immersed for the time being in the magical world of Hockey Night in Canada.
The Stanley Cup playoffs are a bona fide tradition in this country, and watching them on a Canadian broadcast makes all the difference.
I just wish life were more like the commercials that get played over and over and over again.
If life were more like a car commercial, my car would always be brand spanking new, spotlessly clean, and every road, ramp or parking space on earth would be deserted and free of potholes.
If life were more like a doughnut commercial, we could all eat caramel by the bucket load and never gain a pound, or a zit, or new dental work.
If life were more like a fried chicken commercial, my bucket wouldnt need a lid, because it would be overflowing with so many perfect pieces.
If life were more like a drug commercial, I could eat a big, blue pill or two and my wife, or girlfriend, or both, would break into a happy song and kick up her heels in all sorts of suggestive directions.
If life were more like a beer commercial, it wouldnt matter where I went drinking, I would be surrounded by beautiful women with long hair, longer legs, and perfect, gravity-defying breasts.
If I only owned a beer brewery, I could make all kinds of commercials starring me, visiting China, rubbing shoulders with some of hockeys all-time greats, ruining classic rock and roll songs with my own pet band, and further humiliating a great Canadian athlete like Ben Johnson with a new, all natural, performance enhancing sports drink.
If life were more like a bank commercial, I could get a long term mortgage for the lowest rates the world could muster, go into debt for years and years, face thousands of dollars in interest charges, and be completely happy about it.
If life were more like a lawn care commercial, I wouldnt know what a dandelion looks like, I would think that thick, green grass is important, and that every day in my back yard would be sunny, and warm, and entirely free of skunks and grubs.
If life were more like commercials, I would be eating more fibre, drinking the finest tap water ever bottled, and popping pills to ease my guts.
I would constantly be winning the lottery, painting the walls of my home, or sweeping its floors, and I would fill my car with all the comforts of home, and then never stay home.
I would be sweating, shaving, sneezing, wheezing, coughing, laughing, sleeping and leaking.
Looking on the bright side though, at least I would get to play road hockey with Sidney Crosby.